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Recognising Transference in Everyday Life

In this article I’m going to explain what transference is and how it appears in therapy as well as in everyday living amongst people.

Transference occurs in everyday life more than people realise. Simply put, transference appears when we respond or react to someone in the now, in the present as though they were someone from our past.

Here is a good example: You meet a new manager or staff member supervisor at work and you instantly dislike them, even though they’ve done nothing wrong to you. You just took an instant disliking to them. But later on, you realise they’re reminding you of a strict parent or teacher, an authority figure or someone from your past that you didn’t like. But your emotional reaction to this person may feel as though it’s about them. Your actual response in the now is about this older past relationship you had with someone.

Another example might be meeting someone who is kind and supportive and finding yourself becoming unusually attached or attracted to them very quickly and you don’t know why. The intensity or the depth of your feelings may be greater than that relationship alone would justify and this also happens when you instantly fall in love with someone or click with someone friendly and this works both ways positively and negatively.

This is happening because that person is unconsciously associating and reminding us of someone whose approval, care or affection, anger or hatred was it in your earlier life with someone else.

Transference vs projection

Transference is also confused with projection because both involve unconscious processes but they are not the same thing as with transference we transfer feelings and expectations from a past personal relationship onto a person in the present, however with projection we apply or attribute our own thoughts, feelings or qualities onto someone else positively or negatively.

In everyday life both socially and in work, both processes can occur at the same time and a disagreement between two people may contain elements of both projection and transference.

The important part to remember is that when you are having an experience or reaction which is unusually strong, it might be worth asking, am I responding only to what is happening now or is some part of my past also present in this moment with this person. Am I being unfair to myself as well as this person?

A useful way to separate them is:

Transference:
You remind me of someone.

Projection:
I’m attributing something to you that is actually coming from me.

Pure Transference

You meet a new person. They are calm, professional, nice and haven’t done anything wrong to you. But you feel intimidated and defensive around them.

Why?

Because unconsciously they remind you of a past somebody. You are transferring feelings and expectations from that earlier relationship onto this new person.

The hidden assumption is: People like you criticise me. That’s transference.

Pure Projection

You are feeling insecure about something at work. You worry you’re not doing well enough.

You then become convinced that your manager thinks you’re incompetent, rubbish and despite this you have ZERO evidence.

The hidden assumption is:

I think I’m not good enough, so I imagine or believe you think I’m not good enough. That’s the projection.

Human psychology runs several processes at the same time, which is why relationships are messy!

Transference in therapy

Understanding transference in therapy can be very helpful. An understanding can minimise any difficulties that might arise within the session. The phenomena known as transference is completely normal and a well-recognised part of therapies. Most therapists will spot it in an instant and address it with you.

In a nutshell – transference can occur when your feelings, expectations or specific patterns from important relationships in your past are unconsciously transferred onto the therapist in the present.

For example, a client may begin to see their therapist has a strong parental figure, an authority figure, a rescuer, a critic or even a trusted friend whereas the therapist has not necessarily done anything to create these reactions whatsoever. Instead, your old emotional patterns are being activated or stirred and replayed within the therapeutic relationship simply because the therapeutic relationship opens up doors to feel and talk stuff through.

These reactions can be helpful and can provide valuable information for the therapist and rather than become a distraction within the therapy, transference becomes part of the work itself and can be very revealing.

One very common misunderstanding is that transference only involves romantic type feelings or a client might feel anger, disappointment, admiration and especially dependency along with fear and resentment or a mixture of all of them.

In many cases a client may not even realise that transference is happening and they’ll just see it as an experience of strong feelings and assume they are all about the therapist but they are connected to earlier experiences and long-established relationship patterns that may not have been resolved or were left up in the air from many years ago. We all can relate to that?

This is one reason why the therapeutic relationship can be so powerful and beneficial. Understanding transference better can help clients gain insight into how they relate to other people in their everyday so patterns that appear in therapy often appear in friendships, family relationships and romantic partnerships or even workplace relationships as well.

The good news is that therapists recognise this and work with these dynamics with care. Their role is not to encourage any form of dependency or blur the boundaries but to help clients understand what these reactions are revealing about themselves at a subconscious level.

Disclaimer
This article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Do not make any changes to medication, treatment, or care based on this information without first consulting your GP, doctor, or qualified healthcare professional.

The content is intended as general information and may not be suitable for every individual or situation.

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